Bert Kriescher

[Meownaw]

I have never watched him do standup I just know him as the faggot who takes off his shirt because that equals funny. What is the machine story he tells? I tried watching it and tapped out in 2 seconds when the crowd clapped and barked like seals as if this classic stand up bit is what they came to see. Clapped and cheered in the right place if you will.
Also the comments make me irrationally angry. "We should send him to ukraine and have this solved right away" unless he means because he would be killed then both the commenter and Bert should kill themselves.

 

[guest]

its not even his story, the tldr is: "i couldnt speak the language, I ran into some russian mobsters on the train and i spilled my spaghetti on the ground by shouting "I'm the machine!". Once the mobsters realized i was retarded they thought I was funny and they made me drink with them for the duration of the trip and we had all kinds of wacky adventures!"

it's really not that funny, maybe it will get a chuckle the first time around but it's not a bit you can replay at all because it's so drawn out and lacks real jokes

 

[Imager]

I still have PTSD and you post this shit???

So grossed out right now

Guys, I'm literally shaking rn. I was walking my daughter home from school (yes, unlike some people I didn't permanently sign away my rights to my daughter) and I walked by a neighbor as he was getting into his car. He was wearing a Bert Kreischer T-shirt. He moved too fast for me to snap a...

new.onaforums.net

What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you no sympathy for a fellow brotherman?

 

[guest]

He has 2 bits: the OBVIOUSLY fake machine story, and "fatty takes his top off"

 

[Imager]

Also never forget: the movie Van Wilder was based on Bert.

 

[guest]

Also never forget: the movie Van Wilder was based on Bert.

That movie was TERRIBLE and the dude who plays Deadpool is wack as FUCK.

 

[guest]

Itll help you understand his popularity when you realize 80% of his fans are 18 year olds. My cousin went to his show and he was a freshman and I totally had an epiphany.

 

[johnnynoname]

Why does he talk with a bit of a "philly accent" (ie instead of saying "Cold' he say "Code") when he was raised in Florida.

Also, he has a (((Those People))) name but I don't think he's a Mazzochristo

 

[Imager]

Mazzochristo

dassabesso

 

[Say “Cookie”]

The kikes in Hollywood are actually filming a Bert “Machine“ movie. It’s probably near completion at this point. Kikewood loves putting retarded shit out.

 

[EraGodless]

Why does he talk with a bit of a "philly accent" (ie instead of saying "Cold' he say "Code") when he was raised in Florida.

Also, he has a (((Those People))) name but I don't think he's a Mazzochristo

He's Jewish af.

Edit: holy fuck- he grew up Catholic. Just to be safe, he should still be gassed.

 

[satanssockpuppet]

The kikes in Hollywood are actually filming a Bert “Machine“ movie. It’s probably near completion at this point. Kikewood loves putting retarded shit out.

"A drunken loutish asshole visits Russia with his college class, steals their luggage"...that'll be a fun two hours. Maybe by the time he starts promoting the movie he'll have written a new joke, but somehow I doubt it.

 

[Zeroman]

"A drunken loutish asshole visits Russia with his college class, steals their luggage"...that'll be a fun two hours. Maybe by the time he starts promoting the movie he'll have written a new joke, but somehow I doubt it.

He says he’s such a fan of the art of comedy, but he has admitted to feeling compelled to tell the machine joke at every gig strictly because the crowd demands it, that it’s become his Dice bit now. He’s said that people recite the bit just the same as the nursery lines. Ok dummy, now do a movie about it to ruin the mental image of what your fans have come to imagine from hearing the bit, ad nauseum.

 

[Lamont & Tonelli]

the dude who plays Deadpool is wack as FUCK.

THANK YOU!

 

[Say “Cookie”]

"A drunken loutish asshole visits Russia with his college class, steals their luggage"...that'll be a fun two hours. Maybe by the time he starts promoting the movie he'll have written a new joke, but somehow I doubt it.

The following is the synopsis: Bert's drunken past catches up with him 20 years down the road when he and his father are kidnapped by those Bert wronged 20 years ago while drunk on a college semester abroad in Russia.

A made up story based on a made up story.

 

[Zombie247]

Enraging.

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

He's Jewish af.

Edit: holy fuck- he grew up Catholic. Just to be safe, he should still be gassed.

I bet his dad's a Jew but his mother a Catholic. He doesn't look German.

 

[guest]

A guy I used to work with and am (well, was) pretty friendly just went and saw Bert. Traveled like 6 hours to watch a bloated drunk take his shirt off. I've resolved to never speak to him again. Stand up comedy fucking blows

 

[DieNortonDie]

Bert is a liar in a bad way. He always has a story designed to one up someone else’s good story

 

['THE NIGGER MAN']

The machine story is at least as legit as the holocaust