Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen (short pause)… and 26 other genders, (long pause)
I have to be honest, and i know it's still a very controversial topic, (short pause) but I only recognize 28 genders!
Not a single more!
And i don't look kindly at those who inflate this number. (long pause)
Where we at now by the way? 86 different genders and counting?
I only grew up on 3 gender identities. Male, female and mentally ill. (long pause)
And that term fell out of use too, only bigots still use it I'm being told.
Very happy to be here with you in Scarsdale at Joe Matarese's new comedy club, opening for Mark Normand today. (short pause)
In fact i heard Mark Normand use it in a chat with Joe earlier. ''Mentally ill''
Aren't you afraid to lose your career, Mark? (short pause)
I got sidetracked a little bit, (long smile to the audience)
How many people from Scarsdale, actually living in this town, are here tonight? (short pause)
Apparently this is consistently the richest or second richest community in the United States.
Second from 2018 to 2020, first in 2021 and so on.
A lot of wealthy people live here. Bankers, lawyers, politicians, entertainers...
Are you rich, sir? [find somebody who says yes]
Are you sending back money to Israel?
Are you that rich? … Buying up Palestinian properties... Buying as in occupying them militarilly... (short pause)
In fact, we have something in common, sir, i have an investment in that as well with the taxes i pay. (long pause)
--
Honestly, i find Scarsdale to be an odd place to live, and don't get me wrong, it is beautiful, clean, looks pristine, the location is very convenient to work in Midtown, really nothing to complain. (short pause)
I thought!
This place is 75% Jewish and the town center is full of half-timbered houses. You know where the wooden crossbars are visible as a decorative element? When i see buildings like that, I'm reminded of the Germanic speaking regions of Europe.
You know, where they killed your people!
The Jews of Scarsdale are essentially building monuments to their biggest adversaries.
I'd rebuild the town in Jerusalem Stone, and make everything look like the Wailing Wall. (short pause) Even find people that stick folded letters between the cracks. (short pause). Have moneylenders do business in the court yard...
You might say that is mocking the traditions of the Jewish religion...
Still better than being reminded of the Holocaust every day when you're out shopping or whatever these rich people do.
Just imagine who they put on their monuments? (short pause)
Strolling through city park, having a rest beneath a nice oak tree, enjoying it's shade and seeing right across... the fine marmor bust of Reinhard Heydrich?
You better go directly to city hall and inquire about this travesty … (long pause) until you realize what is written on the entrance gate!
I'm Jewish on my father's side, so seeing Scarsdale in such a state irritates me to say the least.
The worst part is not the Scarsdale Jews celebrating their destroyers in architecture but the apparent indifference of most people.
''What do i care, i'm rich?'' (in a stereotypically jewish voice)
Odd place, i want to like it, but that turns me off to be honest witcha. (long pause)
--
None of the locals probably ever ride the Metro North trains, am i right? These guys take limousins and helicopters. Good for them, genuinely.
I took the Harlem Line from Grand Central. And it was full of loud drunks and hipsters that dress weird. Very similar to the New York subway, but at least no rowdy youth after Yonkers. You know what i mean with ''rowdy''...
However, there is another thing that the Metro North seems to have as well, and that is subway vendors. The Dollar Battery Guy! Know who i mean? (short pause)
ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR.
In case you wonder what everything costs, he reminds you every half second. In New York i once bought batteries for my disc man... back in the day. They were fully depleted after 5 minutes. (short pause). But that was 10 years ago.
Do people still carry items with them that even use batteries anymore? Maybe vibrators? Anal eggs?
The guy definitely has them on hand in case. (Short pause, point at somebody)
Batteries, sir! Or Xir! I don't assume your gender. (short pause)
We don't assume gender at B-Side Comedy Club.
I knew better, so i only bought a Snickers bar from him. Wanna guess what it cost? (long pause)
Didn't even eat it yet, instead wanted to reward myself for a good set today. But i understand it started melting, which is entirely my mistake.
Thought it would feel nice in my behind (point at behind), but it's nowhere near as good as an anal egg.
I'm not going to eat it anymore either, all mushy...
But if any ladies have interest in a free desert, hit me up after the show. I need a place to stay tonight anyways. (short pause, point to a hot woman in the audience)
Just kidding, i'm a gentleman and i don't put stuff up there. That is the typical behavior of one of the 26 other genders, not mine certainly.
Not that there is anything wrong with that... except of course in the eyes of the Lord. (short pause)
JAHVE! (short pause) YAHOVA!
Or Allmighty Allah as Mark Normand calls him.
--
Any guys here recovering alcoholics? (Point at somebody). There is still a two drink minimum, sir.
I hope Joe is pricing the tap water as expensively as the beer. You definitely want to enjoy yourself today in any case, we still have Mark Normand's set to look forward to.
No refunds. (short pause, point at the same guy)
And enjoy that fresh Scarsdale tap, sir. How does it taste?
Almost as good as free Palestinian labor?
We also had a middle act with us originally. A comedian from Milwaukee by the name of Patrick S Tomlinson.
Maybe you saw his face on earlier flyers or on Twitter, i don't know. But he was taken off pretty fast.
Not a friend of the Scarsdale Diet to be frank … or any diet.
Pat wouldn't even know what that is and I didn't know either until recently. Apparently it's like keto, but before it was cool.
Calls himself Fatrick and you instantly see why. His whole material is eating and drinking.
I'm not the thinnest guy either, but Pat really is on another level.
No idea why Joe would book him. (long pause, shrugg shoulders)
Maybe he thought he might get the crowd to order more items. (short pause) No idea.
You wouldn't want to order food with this guy, instead you'd puke out whatever you have consumed prior. His opening bit is that he eats Meatloaf every day except Mondays, where he has at least 5 servings of it.
Monday is his Shabbat if you will. Only that he doesn't work seven days a week.
And you wouldn't want to know with what he closes with but it includes home-made pepperoni. (short pause)
Another no-no on the Scarsdale diet, i'm sure. (long pause) He calls it the ''Tomlinson Diet''.
Car-Scale Diet perhaps.
But enough with this Fatrick guy, most of you don't even know who he is.
Thank you to everybody for coming and selling out the place.
My name is Bobo, i was a regular on the Opie and Anthony Show. Mark Normand grew up listening to me, so I'm honored to work with him today.
I host... [plug shows and social media]